Just when you think British TV couldn't get more cringe-worthy.

Shirley, Shirley, Shirley.

Ahem, Dame Shirley that is.

There I was sat watching Children in Need Charity Concert, (you know that charity TV event that people switch off when they realise it's not Comic Relief, it's that other s*** one) and who should come on stage but Shirley Bassey.

Great, I thought. Looking forward to a bit of Goldfinger, maybe some Diamonds are Forever. And sure enough she starts singing Diamonds. So naturally I start singing along doing my best Shirley. And I gets to thinking, wouldn't it be great if Kanye made a guest appearance and performs the popular remix with her right honorable self.

No, don't be silly, not for Children in Need. Comic Relief would be able to make it happen, but let's not build ourselves up for disappointment. And then who should enter stage left. No surely not, it can't be, it is...

No it isn't.

It's Dizzee Rascal, probably the UK's equivalent of Kanye West. A depressing fact in itself. And did no-one think to tell him, 'erm Mr Rascal, I think this has done before...' And it actually sounded good, and had a point.

And just when you think it couldn't get any worse, The Dame starts cutting a rug. And not in a Madonna 'hey, she's still got it' way. But in a 'oh god gran's worked out the combination key code for the drinks cabinet,' sort of way.

Do my eyes deceive me, is that man playing the violin having a good old giggle. Yes he is. And who can blame him. I know I am.

Then Snow Patrol come on to the stage and introduce their duet, saying something along the lines of 'We've got a very special guest here tonight, you've already heard her sing tonight,' so you think okay the dame's back for round two.

So I pick up the phone.

Quite impressive really, after only just being on stage.

And then I memorise the number.

But you think, well she's a pro, naturally she'd be asked back for more.

Credit Card at the ready.

'Ladies and Gentlemen... Cheryl Cole.'

Maybe I'll ring later.



And just in case you missed, watch Dame Shirley and Dizzee getting on the good foot and doing the bad thing... well not exactly but you get what I mean.

The footage is actually from someone in the audience, so you can't see the violinist.. so if you're curious I suggest watching this clip whilst looking in a mirror. Imagine you have a violin and that's pretty much what he looks like.